It’s funny how my posts used to show a slightly inaccurate picture of my life by omitting positive parts, and now they’re showing a slightly inaccurate picture of my life because it seems I’ve the opposite problem. It’s a lot easier now to write about the amazing moments, and the not-as-amazing bits don’t flow quite as freely as they used to.
My Brat stopped speaking to me. She used to be as fickle as a middle-schooler; she’d come back after an awful day with a chipper “Hi Miss!” or she’d be stubborn and shouting during class but hang out during the passing period to help pick up papers. But I called her mom one too many times, skipped the warnings and went straight to the behavior reflection when she refused to take her test, and made her tennis coach come conference with me—and apparently one of these was the last straw. After the amazing getting-all-her-work-done incident, we had three days in a row of loud “I’m BOOOORED, AUGH I hate this class!” like a broken record during INM, and zero work getting done. Then when she got in trouble for filling out her answer sheet before I had passed out the quiz itself, she flipped out and hasn’t said a word to me since. I’m trying to make my reaction a very clear “you can stop liking me all you want, but you can’t make me stop liking you,” but yeesh. It is draining to have this girl hate you.
Toothpik went right back to his zero-work policy immediately following the miracle day I posted about earlier, and though my Fake ESL kid is doing much better, in this case that just means that he copies things down off the board but doesn’t acknowledge my existence otherwise. Sometimes I look at these two and I can’t believe I’ve somehow let them sit in my room for the past six months and do absolutely nothing. How could I let this happen? I was right there the whole time. Did I settle? Was my subconscious saying “hey, I’m doing my job” as long as I goaded and chided and sighed with frustration every day? Have I actually been doing my best? Am I being real with them? If so, how is it possible that they’re still so far away?
People have so much power. Our lives are built out of relationships and communication. How do we screw up on the main ingredient? It’s like making spaghetti and forgetting the noodles. Why must parents, doctors, teachers, social workers, friends, coworkers, and helpless barely-more-than-acquaintances stand by and watch people actively destroy themselves? We lie awake at night worrying about them, but during the day we leave words unsaid and hands untouched and eyes un-met. Is awkwardness, our favorite irrational fear, really a match for the very bricks and mortar of our existence? With all of the thousands upon thousands of ways we have to connect with each other, how are we all still acting as islands?