Nov 29 2011

Me and/or TFA

by Wess

If you’ve been reading for a while, you can probably tell that I’ve been trying pretty hard for the last year or so to define myself. Am I a badass? Am I strong? Am I lazy, or super-motivated, or somewhere in between? What motivates me? What do I care most about, and is it what I should care most about? Am I good at teaching? Am I a leader? Am I a good person? An impressive person? Am I the same person I was in college? If not, is that okay? Is this who I’m going to be for the rest of my life, or is this just who I am as a teacher?

It’s not a secret that a little soul-searching is common for recent college grads, but these questions get pretty intense when you go from SO high in fall 2009 to SO low in fall 2010, to getting-better-limbo-land ever since. I use every day and every decision, it seems, as more evidence for my self-evaluation, and all the ups and downs have had a pretty disorienting effect; turns out completely redefining yourself every day is exhausting.

Reflecting on who and what I am, evaluating myself, is one of my favorite pastimes—my other favorite is doing the same thing about TFA (Fellow Kool-aid Drinkers take note: This means I’ve learned how to tell the difference!). Redefining and evaluating TFA is slightly less exhausting—not least because one has to hold one’s Self constant in order to evaluate anything Other.

I noticed today, however, that my reflections on TFA as an organization and those of myself as a human being are roughly, and not coincidentally, inversely related.  If TFA is a noble establishment, then I am a selfish lazy person who can’t live out its nobility. If I’m a struggling teacher, TFA is ever-supportive and waiting for me to just ask for help. If TFA’s expectations are absurd, then I am a really hard worker just doing the best I can. If I’m perfect, TFA is flawed; if TFA is missing the point, I’m grounded in reality. If I’m a good math teacher, no one in TFA understands the math gap and how different and how much more unfamiliar it is than the overall achievement gap. If this TFA transformational teacher thing is possible, I must not be the on-top-of-it badass I want to be. My view of TFA and of myself can’t be in harmony, because if they were, somehow I’d be a TFA rock star transformational teacher and my kids would all be accepted to Rice University by now.

But this thought occurred to me last night: If TFA and I are against each other, who is going to win? At the end of this 2^nd year, who will have come out on top (or will the finish line be after my third?)? Will I, having been to the depths of nightmare torture teacher agony, and slowly climbing since, have crawled myself up high enough to call myself a success? Or will TFA continue to have the upper hand, showing me examples of transformational secondary teachers who have overcome situations just like mine or worse, showing me people who do more than I do with less than I have, showing me all the ways I could be Really Doing This if I could just muster up the energy and will?

 

Categories: Uncategorized · 7 Comments

7 Responses

1. Cameron Byerley

   gosh. I ask myself all of those questions. All of the time. They don’t get easier. Who am I? Am I here on this planet to make a huge difference devoting every ounce of energy to a cause? Am I here to have a happy life? Can I have both? I know that having a cause I believe in is key to feeling happy and purposeful in life. But do I have to spend every waking moment on said cause? I’m starting to think no. I am always comparing myself to my old self-I think that I wrote a few posts on that recently. My old self always seemed a bit more on top of things. But I think my old self was biting off more easily manageable problems. As an undergraduate your goals were much simpler. You do your homework you get an A. You practice rowing and you get faster at rowing. THe assignments given in undergraduate institutions are possible to complete in the time the teacher allots for them. We can’t fix education this year or the next, and certainly not as teachers. You are part of this huge, grinding awful system and TFA tells you you can change it, but you have no way of knowing how much or how far you can go in a year. So they give you a huge goal just to see how far you can go, because sometimes people do amazing things.

   And, also, I take offense to the notion that no one in TFA understand the math gap! However, I think only a very few people in the organization do, and I’m just barely starting to understand what I don’t understand and how huge the problem is. And I’m only a volunteer with TFA, so I guess I don’t really fit into the organization!

   on November 30, 2011 at 10:43 am · Reply
   • Wess

     You’re right. I shouldn’t say “no one”!

     on November 30, 2011 at 11:46 am · Reply
   • Wess

     You’re right. I shouldn’t say “no one.” Plus, I don’t really understand it myself!

     on November 30, 2011 at 11:47 am · Reply
2. Ms. Math

   this whole discussion reminds me so much of the part in the dissertation was about how I didn’t feel “TFA” because I wasn’t on board with all of their ideas. I had to break out of “being a TFA teacher” to regain my own sanity.

   on November 30, 2011 at 2:03 pm · Reply
   • Wess

     Yes! That’s exactly it!

     on November 30, 2011 at 5:01 pm · Reply
3. Nola

   Stumbled on your thoughts:

   I think you’ll take this answer as the “kool-aid”, which to me is worrying — to me, drinking any kool-aid is to blindly follow, without challenging, the beliefs and ideology of another. It becomes so seemingly divisive — a throw-away that discards the “supporters”, chalking it up to faith versus what it is: Teach For America is the challenge that it’s not about ever being perfect, but always striving to get better for the belief that your students (or your work) need you to do so. As an organization, TFA has grown significantly in even the past seven-years — striving to get better and grow to reflect a myriad of opinions and challenges. Ask a staff member if the top leadership thinks that TFA is perfect — they don’t. That’s why we get so many surveys. :)

   When you get caught up in the image of what it means to “live up to TFA”, you’re forgetting the point of what made you apply to join the corps. It’s not about making Wendy Kopp happy. It’s not about feeling good about your tracker’s numbers compared to the rest of the people in your team. It’s about your students — it’s about the belief that they deserve a great education, because it’s the only thing that will level the playing field. It’s because you knew that even two of the hardest years of work in your life would be over, but potentially it could transform those of your students. You came in this to be a part of a movement — to move families, communities, schools, and students to see the potential that truly exists in low-income communities.

   Don’t root yourself in this argument or challenge of how you’re measuring up to Teach For America. Don’t let them set the goal. You set the bar — and when you do, ask yourself, “If this is it…if this is was something I could accomplish…would I have made my college-self proud? That part of me that was so idealistic — before it saw excuses and history, and only saw possibilities (though maybe naively)?”

   We always have to be thoughtful in our goals, in our approach — research-driven with a sense of possibility. However, to be frank and honest — any person with low-expectations of my students wasn’t born that way, they became it with the best of intentions and most likely the most care. Be willing to challenge yourself, too.

   (PS – as an alum still teaching — yes, it’s always hard; it never get easy. Easier, yes — easy, no.)

   on December 12, 2011 at 9:38 pm · Reply
   • Wess

     This is why I blog! Your comments are the best part of this thing. Thank you for your clarity!

     on December 12, 2011 at 10:41 pm · Reply